Sometimes I learn things easily, like how to draw a pot or calculate a new formula. Other times, it seems like it takes me a lifetime to learn. For some reason complex topics take time. I guess because they are more ingrained into behaviors and, well, complicated.

The universe has been trying to teach me a particular lesson over and over and OVER again. It is a personal lesson.  Very, very personal. I’m attempting to relearn 43 years of being in a short time… maybe that’s why it takes so long.  Darn this pesky thing called patience.

If you really want to amplify your learning, get married.  That’s when things get really sticky. Not only do you have your crap to deal with, your spouse has their own crap.  Add a step child to the mix and voila! A hodgepodge of brokenness and difficult emotions. That’s a lot of crap, if you think about it.  And we’re all wading around in it….

So what is this lesson?   I always try to please people. I’ve done it my entire life.  Normally I squash my feelings, swallow them to not let on that I am hurt for fear of making the other person uncomfortable. Now, if I was learning how to feel on my own, this wouldn’t be nearly as hard.  Throw marriage in the mix and it makes it like a powder keg.  One of these days, things will build up enough to where something is bound to explode.  Could be an argument, could be a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of trying to keep everyone happy, it could simply be a good cry.

This week this whole thing really came to a head.  When you have 3 people living in the same house with their own baggage, problems and quirks, it makes things interesting. God knew what he was doing when I wasn’t blessed with children. While I would have been a great parent, I would have been bitter, tired and who knows what else.

Thankfully, He brought a very special woman into my life and that’s LJ, my amazing therapist.  I am thankful I stumbled upon her name as she has helped gently guide me over the course of the last few months.  Her lessons of self compassion and gentle reminders about taking time to take care of myself are life changing.  I am thankful we had an appointment yesterday to help me work though the powder keg that was building up. Not that I handled it all that well when I got home, at least I had the confidence to stand up for myself, express what I was feeling  and refuse to feel guilty for how I feel.

I’m a perfectionist. I make mistakes and try to learn for the next time. I replay events over and over in my head to see what I could have done differently to keep this from happening, because it’s obviously all my fault this happened and then suppress how I really feel. I beat myself up because I should have done better which leads to the “I’m not good enough, why would anyone love me, I need to behave because I won’t find anyone else to love me because I’m so horrible” speech.

Miraculously it’s different this morning.  I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.  I’m replaying events from last night, only to learn how I could express myself better, not to beat myself up because this is uncharted territory for me.  I’m angry, hurt, scared and disappointed and I don’t feel guilty for that at all. Most importantly, I’m allowing myself to feel these negative emotions for a change to let myself process and heal. That’s pretty big for me. HUGE really…

I’ve come a long way and have a long way to go.  It’s hard as Hell to make these changes, most especially to feel and and be ok with it. The change is worth it. I’m confident with the tools I learn with LJ and the other resources at my disposal I’ll get there eventually. It’ll take time, support from friends and family and lots and lots of self-compassion. Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me….  😉