Uncategorized

Success… What the Heck is It?

/ wonderingwoz / Leave a comment

I’m reading a book titled “Make it Happen” by Laura Casey (buy it here):. In it, she talks about ways to overcome your fear and need for perfection to achieve your purpose.  Sounds promising, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want to achieve their purpose. Sign me up! On a side note, I totally see another girl crush coming on… move over Dr Brene Brown! Don’t worry, she’s not taking your place. You’ll always be my number 1!  But I digress…..

In her book, Laura poses an interesting question.  What is your definition of success?

Hmmmm….  this question really stopped me in my tracks. Success has a definition?  I thought it was something you either achieved with tons of accolades or you had.

When I first started in my current role, I really struggled with knowing how I was doing. In my old role, you knew where you stood. We had very specific KPIs with tangible targets.  We could measure EVERYTHING. And I was all about chasing and exceeding the targets. That’s how success was defined for me at that time.  In order to exceed, you had to hit this number, drive this result, hit this bar.  Not so much in my current role.  Things are far more… squishy.

One day this internal conflict came to a head.  I had a rare face-to-face meeting with my manager (she was based in Chicago, I’m based in Nashville). I started rambling about the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing and I feel like I’m floundering. I didn’t know what to do or where to start.  I felt like a failure. I went from running a team of 50 in my previous role to leading a team of 3 then 4 then 12 in my new role. I was overwhelmed and uncertain in unchartered waters. I was in a world I didn’t really know and not sure if I liked.

Once I took a breath, my sage manager looked at me and said, “You need to redefine what success is, Chris.”

I stared at her for a minute.  A good LONG minute. You know, one of those where you blink with your mouth slightly open, head tilted to one side? Yeah that kind of stare. Then it dawned on me…. she was right.

I am not sure if she’ll even know how much of an affect she’s had on me with that one simple statement. When I get stuck in a situation and start to panic, I hear her words in my head. It causes me to slow down and think.  That and my new boss’s mantra of “Progress, not Perfection.” That’s another story entirely….back to success.

If you think that means after that epiphany I figured this whole success thing out… WRONG! In fact, I still flounder with the squishy stuff. I fall back to wanting numbers to drive. The squishy stuff is hard. It’s gray, it’s messy and it changes constantly. How can you figure out success in that mess? To add to the confusion, I’m trying to understand what success is to me professionally AND personally. Sheesh….

So what DO I know then?

First, business success and personal success are not mutually exclusive.  Why do I even think they are separate?  Why do I have to be a successful business woman OR a successful wife?  I am not a digital being where everything is either true or false, black or white, 0 or 1 (for all my fellow nerds…). I can be successful at both, if I know what that looks like.

Second, success isn’t measured by money or climbing the ladder.  Yes, money is great to have and it helps to make life more comfortable. It’s not everything though. Being a vice president or CEO of a company may look great, it’s not everything either. I can achieve both of those, and it’s possible I still might not be successful, especially if I lose all of my friends and family in the process.

Third, and this is a hard one, my success isn’t defined by someone else. Sure, if I get the Nobel Prize for some amazing thing I did, some would say that’s being a success. Or if I get elected President of something, some would say that’s a success. In some way that thinking is  allowing others to determine your path AND your worth. Should my success be dependent on what other’s think? It’s great to get that recognition. How can I feel valued as an individual if I rely on external people to tell me when I’m successful or not?  I’m not sure that I can.

It’s easier for me to rely on someone else to tell me if I’m successful or not.  In some ways that takes the responsibility off of me to do the work to make the changes that help lead to my success. Ironically, I get irritated when people are not accountable for what they do or do not do. In some ways, when I let other’s define my success, I am shifting the accountability to them. Hmmm, not sure that I like that and perhaps it’s a blind spot for me. If someone else tells me I’m successful, I can say thank you.  If they don’t I can say they don’t see my worth.  Either way, it erodes my self-confidence and destroys my self-worth.

Owning my successful is a scary thought.  What if I DO succeed?  Then what? Is that it? Is this going to be expected of me forever then? What if I fail and fail publicly? Soooo much fear. And fear can stop you in your tracks.

So I continue to work on this definition… who knew a simple question to define success would be this difficult? This time, I am not going to wait for the perfect answer before I start working towards my success and I’m not going to let anyone else define it for me. Really who knows me better than I do? Besides, I have to remember it’s progress not perfection! Progress helps us realize our success, while perfection hinders our progress.

It’s time to live large and stop being so small.

 

My Latest Creation

/ wonderingwoz / Leave a comment

So I made this.

Stamps: Stampers Anonymous Tim Holtz, Dylusions

Stencil: Tim Holtz Collection

Inks: Distress Inks, Distress Markers, Distress Crayons, VersaMark

Embossing Powder: Ranger Black, Super Fine Detail, American Crafts ZING! Chocolate

Embossing paste: Dreamweaver pearlescent

Enjoy!

 

IMG_2052IMG_2048 post

Lessons learned

/ wonderingwoz / Leave a comment

Sometimes I learn things easily, like how to draw a pot or calculate a new formula. Other times, it seems like it takes me a lifetime to learn. For some reason complex topics take time. I guess because they are more ingrained into behaviors and, well, complicated.

The universe has been trying to teach me a particular lesson over and over and OVER again. It is a personal lesson.  Very, very personal. I’m attempting to relearn 43 years of being in a short time… maybe that’s why it takes so long.  Darn this pesky thing called patience.

If you really want to amplify your learning, get married.  That’s when things get really sticky. Not only do you have your crap to deal with, your spouse has their own crap.  Add a step child to the mix and voila! A hodgepodge of brokenness and difficult emotions. That’s a lot of crap, if you think about it.  And we’re all wading around in it….

So what is this lesson?   I always try to please people. I’ve done it my entire life.  Normally I squash my feelings, swallow them to not let on that I am hurt for fear of making the other person uncomfortable. Now, if I was learning how to feel on my own, this wouldn’t be nearly as hard.  Throw marriage in the mix and it makes it like a powder keg.  One of these days, things will build up enough to where something is bound to explode.  Could be an argument, could be a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of trying to keep everyone happy, it could simply be a good cry.

This week this whole thing really came to a head.  When you have 3 people living in the same house with their own baggage, problems and quirks, it makes things interesting. God knew what he was doing when I wasn’t blessed with children. While I would have been a great parent, I would have been bitter, tired and who knows what else.

Thankfully, He brought a very special woman into my life and that’s LJ, my amazing therapist.  I am thankful I stumbled upon her name as she has helped gently guide me over the course of the last few months.  Her lessons of self compassion and gentle reminders about taking time to take care of myself are life changing.  I am thankful we had an appointment yesterday to help me work though the powder keg that was building up. Not that I handled it all that well when I got home, at least I had the confidence to stand up for myself, express what I was feeling  and refuse to feel guilty for how I feel.

I’m a perfectionist. I make mistakes and try to learn for the next time. I replay events over and over in my head to see what I could have done differently to keep this from happening, because it’s obviously all my fault this happened and then suppress how I really feel. I beat myself up because I should have done better which leads to the “I’m not good enough, why would anyone love me, I need to behave because I won’t find anyone else to love me because I’m so horrible” speech.

Miraculously it’s different this morning.  I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.  I’m replaying events from last night, only to learn how I could express myself better, not to beat myself up because this is uncharted territory for me.  I’m angry, hurt, scared and disappointed and I don’t feel guilty for that at all. Most importantly, I’m allowing myself to feel these negative emotions for a change to let myself process and heal. That’s pretty big for me. HUGE really…

I’ve come a long way and have a long way to go.  It’s hard as Hell to make these changes, most especially to feel and and be ok with it. The change is worth it. I’m confident with the tools I learn with LJ and the other resources at my disposal I’ll get there eventually. It’ll take time, support from friends and family and lots and lots of self-compassion. Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me….  😉

My First Wondering

/ wonderingwoz / 1 Comment

It’s interesting today how often we get stuck in our heads, think about ourselves and forget about things around us.  For example, I have been stuck in my own head recently, trying to figure out what makes myself tick. Depressed and feeling so very alone, I think I have problems.  In reality, my problems are minor, figments of my overactive imagination.

The violence happening around the world, most recently attacks in Beruit and in Paris, are mind boggling.  I can’t imagine the fear and the pain felt by those affected by these atrocities. Paris is one of my favorite cities.  I hurt for the city. It makes no sense.  The thought that a religion could encourage it’s members to kill. Oh wait….  I’m Catholic. There was that nasty bit about the Crusades several hundred years ago. Hmmm… not our brightest spot that’s for sure. It was still wrong though.

I listen to those saying that we need to bar our doors and restrict access to refugees.  I don’t know about you, but I’m the great grand daughter of not just 1 or 2 immigrants but FOUR.  That’s right… all of my great grand parents came from outside the US.

Why did they come?  So they could make money?  To raid and terrorize a nation? Nope not at all. They came for the opportunities but they also came to escape to the freedom and safety the US offered..  They came for a better life, to get away from persecution and violence.  For them, it was back breaking work.  Heck one of my great grandfathers worked in the coal mines in the early 1900s. I’m not really sure it was that much better than what they came from but at least they were free. This is the same thing people in Syria are looking for… freedom.

How many Syrian refugees have fled their country?  Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? And one person in a crowd of thousands of people committed a horrible act.  Yes, it’s despicable. Yes, it’s terrifying. However, this is their life… a life of fear and death. Think about it, these are the monsters they are running away from. What if… just what if this is what the monsters want?  What if they wanted us to close the doors on these people, offering them now where else to go? Why?  This PROVES the West is evil, callous, selfish and every other negative stereotype out there. And those people who are turned away flock to their cause.

I don’t know about you. I prefer the monsters not finish this latest recruitment drive.  Instead, we should open our arms to those in need.  Yes we have our own problems at home and we need to take care of those too.  The human capability for empathy and caring is limitless. Remember… they are our own.  Refugees are are people too. And they need someone to show them we care, because that’s what’s going to make a difference in this cold, cold world.

So again, I think I have problems.  I have a home, a family, pets, a job, a country I’m proud to live in, and my faith. I am safe and secure, thanks to countless soldiers who gave their lives and wellbeing so I can be free. I/m female.  I’m an engineer.  I don’t have problems… I am blessed beyond belief!  All because my ancestors decided they wanted live a better life.  I’m thankful they did and I’m thankful Lady Liberty opened her arms to us. I hope she continues to do the same for those in need now.