Ever had one of those days?

You know the day…  where it seems as though everyone is against you?  That you can’t do anything right? That you feel like you’re just on the edge of something horrible? That you’re horrible?

I’m in that season right now.  Really it’s not one of those days.  It’s one of those days/weeks/months/years/decades.

Yesterday I went to see my therapist.  I love this woman.  She is incredible and a God send.  I really think God put her in my life and I am thankful every day for her.She is helping me in ways I never knew was possible. The last several visits things have been going well.  She’s pretty intuitive and I think she knew that it really wasn’t ok. I thought it was ok….  boy was I wrong.

Last week David and I attended the Global Leadership Summit.  This is my second year to attend.  I LOVE this program. I get so much out of it and learn so much in the 2 days, it’s crazy. I was even more excited because I had someone to share it with this year. This year’s theme was Self Awareness.  Hmmmm… I’m pretty self aware generally, sometimes to a fault.  For me though, the general theme was fear.  Most of the speakers said something about fear and overcoming that fear with faith.

Great, like that doesn’t hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m afraid of everything. Failing, loving, letting my guard down, changing, opening myself up, succeeding, feeling, disappointing, loss, spiders…. literally almost everything.

Really, I think every speaker had something to say to me.  I mean, I could almost hear the implied Chris at the end of their sentence.  “And that’s why we say faith takes us through fear…. CHRIS” It was brutal. Brutal in a tough love kind of way. It’s definitely something I need to hear. I’m just not sure what to do with it yet. Queue the frustration building.

One of the sessions was a guided reflection led a few of my favorites :Bill Hybels, Shauna Niequest, and Dr Henry Cloud. This session is what really took this whole thing to the next level for me.

Dr Cloud talked about connections and there being 4 types of connections and actually there is only one type of REAL connection….. CHRIS. Bill Hybels talked about taking the time out to reflect…. CHRIS. Shauna…  she read from a chapter in her new book “Present over Perfect“….. CHRIS.  Needless to say, after hearing that passage I decided I had to have the book.  Talk about a game changer.

You can’t tell it by looking at my house, or me really but I struggle with perfectionism. Badly. So much so that it sometimes stops me from doing anything because of FEAR (see how this ties in together??).  I mean if I’m afraid that I’m going to let someone down or that I will make the wrong choice or say something I will regret or that I’ll, heaven forbid, fail…  what can I do?  So I sit in fear and do nothing.  It’s a vicious cycle because the next phase that kicks in is pure evil. The “I’m not good enough, how can anyone love you, what kind of idiot are you?” phase.  And then the cycle goes around all over again. Sometimes it’s like a tornado, circling, circling, circling until I’m reaching for the credit card to buy something or to eat something that will make me feel good. That works for a little bit but the cycle starts all over when I look at the scale or the credit card balance.

Let’s talk about Shauna’s book, “Present over Perfect.” Absolutely brilliant. I’ll admit, at first I was struggling reading it. It sounded at first like I was reading her journal and it made me uncomfortable.  After a while, it dawned on me I think that’s the way she meant it.  And I think it made me a little uncomfortable because it was like I was re-reading my own journal.  She is so real with her struggles with this life. Not just the idea to be perfect but the thought to be responsible… uber-responsible really, for everything. And not just with daily life, but Church life too… faith and all. That really made me think. I am very thankful she wrote it and that I not only bought it but READ it.  All of it. Yep… already. Crazy.

All of this leads up to my therapy visit yesterday, so much stuff jumbling around in my head…. So I went to see LJ and had a breakdown.  I mean like an actual breakdown. I think I cried most of the time and it wasn’t little tears falling. It was the big ol’ crocodile tears, trying to talk but can’t through the tears, voice raised frustration . Like all the negative emotions I’ve been shoving down down down decided to come up up up. And they wouldn’t stop. They kept coming up. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was lost. I was afraid. I was broken. And she was excited. I mean she was almost giddy about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean this in a mean, nasty way (I really don’t think there is a mean bone in her body…), more in a “oh yes, I can work with this, I’m so glad she’s doing the work, she’s finally letting go” kind of way. See, she IS really special. To sit with someone in their pain, to listen, to ask questions, to note, to observe and to NOT run away is a gift.

My time with LJ was only the beginning of the emotional tidal wave. Last night was rough. David was sweet to hold me last night while I wept for no particular reason other than the fact that I had all of these not worthy enough thoughts floating around my brain that needed to be heard and not listened to. Normally I beat myself up for having them. Not last night though.

Today is rough. I’m letting myself feel all of the negative crap right now. It’s a lot. There is some resentment mixed in there too and in very surprising places. I’m allowing myself to feel it.  I’m not pushing it away. Yes it’s crap and no it’s not fun. It’s work. It’s necessary work though and the only way I can get through it is to work through it because I am afraid of feeling this too.

At the same time, I’m learning some things misconceptions about God. I have a very interesting relationship with God. I believe in God. I have a hard time trusting him though. Why?  I see God as the disapproving parent, using the implied dumb-ass as a response to man and his wrongful ways. The sarcastic “why can’t you get this right, can’t you do anything right?” at the end of every interaction. It pairs nicely with my Catholic guilt and this crazy notion that I am unworthy.

So stop and think about that for a minute….  my God, who is all knowing and all loving, makes me feel unworthy. Hmmmm… something about that doesn’t seem quite right.

Shauna put this in another light, when she discussed a reading from the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus walks on water and invites Peter to do the same as a way to show trust in the Lord. Peter trusts in Jesus at first then starts to sink. Peter got in his own way..we’ve all been there.  The holy crap am I really doing this kind of moment. When I hear this reading or read it myself, I insert Jesus using the “implied dumb-ass” tone to rebuke Peter for not having faith. Interestingly, Shauna had the same interpretation.

We were both wrong.  She is brilliant to point this out and I think this is a fundamental shift in my relationship with God AND Jesus. Jesus doesn’t use sarcasm, cruelty or anything. He rescues Peter then chastises him gently. Oh ye of little faith. There is nothing about that statement that is an implied dumb-ass or anything. Actually, it’s gentle, tender, loving. I think I’ve said things in a similar way to those I love. Yet me in my state of unworthiness reads that as “Peter, really?  I’ve told you to believe in me and you don’t.Can’t you get it right?” There is such a difference there. It’s kind of like a filter on Instagram… except this filter applies an “I’m crap, and a stupid idiot” filter over everything I see, read, hear, do. And now all I need to do is remove the filter.

All of this is mind blowing for me. It’s new. And it’s raw. And it’s tiring. I slept better last night than I have in ages. All of this emotion fueled me for so long. Actually running away from all of it fueled me. I’m tired now. So very tired of everything. No more running, no more hiding from the negative, no more pretending to be someone I’m not. Instead gaining strength from my good relationships and from myself, from my faith. Learning to love and trust myself and learning that no one else can determine my worth. Learning that my God is big, He is Love, He is Hope, He is constant. I feel vulnerable, open and I know I’m going to mess this up. I don’t mean this in a bad way. I mean this in a I’m growing kind of way. It’s going to take me time to unlearn these pattern behaviors so I can truly love myself. How cool will that be?