self-compassion

One of those days

/ wonderingwoz / 2 Comments

Ever had one of those days?

You know the day…  where it seems as though everyone is against you?  That you can’t do anything right? That you feel like you’re just on the edge of something horrible? That you’re horrible?

I’m in that season right now.  Really it’s not one of those days.  It’s one of those days/weeks/months/years/decades.

Yesterday I went to see my therapist.  I love this woman.  She is incredible and a God send.  I really think God put her in my life and I am thankful every day for her.She is helping me in ways I never knew was possible. The last several visits things have been going well.  She’s pretty intuitive and I think she knew that it really wasn’t ok. I thought it was ok….  boy was I wrong.

Last week David and I attended the Global Leadership Summit.  This is my second year to attend.  I LOVE this program. I get so much out of it and learn so much in the 2 days, it’s crazy. I was even more excited because I had someone to share it with this year. This year’s theme was Self Awareness.  Hmmmm… I’m pretty self aware generally, sometimes to a fault.  For me though, the general theme was fear.  Most of the speakers said something about fear and overcoming that fear with faith.

Great, like that doesn’t hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m afraid of everything. Failing, loving, letting my guard down, changing, opening myself up, succeeding, feeling, disappointing, loss, spiders…. literally almost everything.

Really, I think every speaker had something to say to me.  I mean, I could almost hear the implied Chris at the end of their sentence.  “And that’s why we say faith takes us through fear…. CHRIS” It was brutal. Brutal in a tough love kind of way. It’s definitely something I need to hear. I’m just not sure what to do with it yet. Queue the frustration building.

One of the sessions was a guided reflection led a few of my favorites :Bill Hybels, Shauna Niequest, and Dr Henry Cloud. This session is what really took this whole thing to the next level for me.

Dr Cloud talked about connections and there being 4 types of connections and actually there is only one type of REAL connection….. CHRIS. Bill Hybels talked about taking the time out to reflect…. CHRIS. Shauna…  she read from a chapter in her new book “Present over Perfect“….. CHRIS.  Needless to say, after hearing that passage I decided I had to have the book.  Talk about a game changer.

You can’t tell it by looking at my house, or me really but I struggle with perfectionism. Badly. So much so that it sometimes stops me from doing anything because of FEAR (see how this ties in together??).  I mean if I’m afraid that I’m going to let someone down or that I will make the wrong choice or say something I will regret or that I’ll, heaven forbid, fail…  what can I do?  So I sit in fear and do nothing.  It’s a vicious cycle because the next phase that kicks in is pure evil. The “I’m not good enough, how can anyone love you, what kind of idiot are you?” phase.  And then the cycle goes around all over again. Sometimes it’s like a tornado, circling, circling, circling until I’m reaching for the credit card to buy something or to eat something that will make me feel good. That works for a little bit but the cycle starts all over when I look at the scale or the credit card balance.

Let’s talk about Shauna’s book, “Present over Perfect.” Absolutely brilliant. I’ll admit, at first I was struggling reading it. It sounded at first like I was reading her journal and it made me uncomfortable.  After a while, it dawned on me I think that’s the way she meant it.  And I think it made me a little uncomfortable because it was like I was re-reading my own journal.  She is so real with her struggles with this life. Not just the idea to be perfect but the thought to be responsible… uber-responsible really, for everything. And not just with daily life, but Church life too… faith and all. That really made me think. I am very thankful she wrote it and that I not only bought it but READ it.  All of it. Yep… already. Crazy.

All of this leads up to my therapy visit yesterday, so much stuff jumbling around in my head…. So I went to see LJ and had a breakdown.  I mean like an actual breakdown. I think I cried most of the time and it wasn’t little tears falling. It was the big ol’ crocodile tears, trying to talk but can’t through the tears, voice raised frustration . Like all the negative emotions I’ve been shoving down down down decided to come up up up. And they wouldn’t stop. They kept coming up. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was lost. I was afraid. I was broken. And she was excited. I mean she was almost giddy about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean this in a mean, nasty way (I really don’t think there is a mean bone in her body…), more in a “oh yes, I can work with this, I’m so glad she’s doing the work, she’s finally letting go” kind of way. See, she IS really special. To sit with someone in their pain, to listen, to ask questions, to note, to observe and to NOT run away is a gift.

My time with LJ was only the beginning of the emotional tidal wave. Last night was rough. David was sweet to hold me last night while I wept for no particular reason other than the fact that I had all of these not worthy enough thoughts floating around my brain that needed to be heard and not listened to. Normally I beat myself up for having them. Not last night though.

Today is rough. I’m letting myself feel all of the negative crap right now. It’s a lot. There is some resentment mixed in there too and in very surprising places. I’m allowing myself to feel it.  I’m not pushing it away. Yes it’s crap and no it’s not fun. It’s work. It’s necessary work though and the only way I can get through it is to work through it because I am afraid of feeling this too.

At the same time, I’m learning some things misconceptions about God. I have a very interesting relationship with God. I believe in God. I have a hard time trusting him though. Why?  I see God as the disapproving parent, using the implied dumb-ass as a response to man and his wrongful ways. The sarcastic “why can’t you get this right, can’t you do anything right?” at the end of every interaction. It pairs nicely with my Catholic guilt and this crazy notion that I am unworthy.

So stop and think about that for a minute….  my God, who is all knowing and all loving, makes me feel unworthy. Hmmmm… something about that doesn’t seem quite right.

Shauna put this in another light, when she discussed a reading from the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus walks on water and invites Peter to do the same as a way to show trust in the Lord. Peter trusts in Jesus at first then starts to sink. Peter got in his own way..we’ve all been there.  The holy crap am I really doing this kind of moment. When I hear this reading or read it myself, I insert Jesus using the “implied dumb-ass” tone to rebuke Peter for not having faith. Interestingly, Shauna had the same interpretation.

We were both wrong.  She is brilliant to point this out and I think this is a fundamental shift in my relationship with God AND Jesus. Jesus doesn’t use sarcasm, cruelty or anything. He rescues Peter then chastises him gently. Oh ye of little faith. There is nothing about that statement that is an implied dumb-ass or anything. Actually, it’s gentle, tender, loving. I think I’ve said things in a similar way to those I love. Yet me in my state of unworthiness reads that as “Peter, really?  I’ve told you to believe in me and you don’t.Can’t you get it right?” There is such a difference there. It’s kind of like a filter on Instagram… except this filter applies an “I’m crap, and a stupid idiot” filter over everything I see, read, hear, do. And now all I need to do is remove the filter.

All of this is mind blowing for me. It’s new. And it’s raw. And it’s tiring. I slept better last night than I have in ages. All of this emotion fueled me for so long. Actually running away from all of it fueled me. I’m tired now. So very tired of everything. No more running, no more hiding from the negative, no more pretending to be someone I’m not. Instead gaining strength from my good relationships and from myself, from my faith. Learning to love and trust myself and learning that no one else can determine my worth. Learning that my God is big, He is Love, He is Hope, He is constant. I feel vulnerable, open and I know I’m going to mess this up. I don’t mean this in a bad way. I mean this in a I’m growing kind of way. It’s going to take me time to unlearn these pattern behaviors so I can truly love myself. How cool will that be?

Success… What the Heck is It?

/ wonderingwoz / Leave a comment

I’m reading a book titled “Make it Happen” by Laura Casey (buy it here):. In it, she talks about ways to overcome your fear and need for perfection to achieve your purpose.  Sounds promising, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want to achieve their purpose. Sign me up! On a side note, I totally see another girl crush coming on… move over Dr Brene Brown! Don’t worry, she’s not taking your place. You’ll always be my number 1!  But I digress…..

In her book, Laura poses an interesting question.  What is your definition of success?

Hmmmm….  this question really stopped me in my tracks. Success has a definition?  I thought it was something you either achieved with tons of accolades or you had.

When I first started in my current role, I really struggled with knowing how I was doing. In my old role, you knew where you stood. We had very specific KPIs with tangible targets.  We could measure EVERYTHING. And I was all about chasing and exceeding the targets. That’s how success was defined for me at that time.  In order to exceed, you had to hit this number, drive this result, hit this bar.  Not so much in my current role.  Things are far more… squishy.

One day this internal conflict came to a head.  I had a rare face-to-face meeting with my manager (she was based in Chicago, I’m based in Nashville). I started rambling about the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing and I feel like I’m floundering. I didn’t know what to do or where to start.  I felt like a failure. I went from running a team of 50 in my previous role to leading a team of 3 then 4 then 12 in my new role. I was overwhelmed and uncertain in unchartered waters. I was in a world I didn’t really know and not sure if I liked.

Once I took a breath, my sage manager looked at me and said, “You need to redefine what success is, Chris.”

I stared at her for a minute.  A good LONG minute. You know, one of those where you blink with your mouth slightly open, head tilted to one side? Yeah that kind of stare. Then it dawned on me…. she was right.

I am not sure if she’ll even know how much of an affect she’s had on me with that one simple statement. When I get stuck in a situation and start to panic, I hear her words in my head. It causes me to slow down and think.  That and my new boss’s mantra of “Progress, not Perfection.” That’s another story entirely….back to success.

If you think that means after that epiphany I figured this whole success thing out… WRONG! In fact, I still flounder with the squishy stuff. I fall back to wanting numbers to drive. The squishy stuff is hard. It’s gray, it’s messy and it changes constantly. How can you figure out success in that mess? To add to the confusion, I’m trying to understand what success is to me professionally AND personally. Sheesh….

So what DO I know then?

First, business success and personal success are not mutually exclusive.  Why do I even think they are separate?  Why do I have to be a successful business woman OR a successful wife?  I am not a digital being where everything is either true or false, black or white, 0 or 1 (for all my fellow nerds…). I can be successful at both, if I know what that looks like.

Second, success isn’t measured by money or climbing the ladder.  Yes, money is great to have and it helps to make life more comfortable. It’s not everything though. Being a vice president or CEO of a company may look great, it’s not everything either. I can achieve both of those, and it’s possible I still might not be successful, especially if I lose all of my friends and family in the process.

Third, and this is a hard one, my success isn’t defined by someone else. Sure, if I get the Nobel Prize for some amazing thing I did, some would say that’s being a success. Or if I get elected President of something, some would say that’s a success. In some way that thinking is  allowing others to determine your path AND your worth. Should my success be dependent on what other’s think? It’s great to get that recognition. How can I feel valued as an individual if I rely on external people to tell me when I’m successful or not?  I’m not sure that I can.

It’s easier for me to rely on someone else to tell me if I’m successful or not.  In some ways that takes the responsibility off of me to do the work to make the changes that help lead to my success. Ironically, I get irritated when people are not accountable for what they do or do not do. In some ways, when I let other’s define my success, I am shifting the accountability to them. Hmmm, not sure that I like that and perhaps it’s a blind spot for me. If someone else tells me I’m successful, I can say thank you.  If they don’t I can say they don’t see my worth.  Either way, it erodes my self-confidence and destroys my self-worth.

Owning my successful is a scary thought.  What if I DO succeed?  Then what? Is that it? Is this going to be expected of me forever then? What if I fail and fail publicly? Soooo much fear. And fear can stop you in your tracks.

So I continue to work on this definition… who knew a simple question to define success would be this difficult? This time, I am not going to wait for the perfect answer before I start working towards my success and I’m not going to let anyone else define it for me. Really who knows me better than I do? Besides, I have to remember it’s progress not perfection! Progress helps us realize our success, while perfection hinders our progress.

It’s time to live large and stop being so small.

 

Lessons learned

/ wonderingwoz / Leave a comment

Sometimes I learn things easily, like how to draw a pot or calculate a new formula. Other times, it seems like it takes me a lifetime to learn. For some reason complex topics take time. I guess because they are more ingrained into behaviors and, well, complicated.

The universe has been trying to teach me a particular lesson over and over and OVER again. It is a personal lesson.  Very, very personal. I’m attempting to relearn 43 years of being in a short time… maybe that’s why it takes so long.  Darn this pesky thing called patience.

If you really want to amplify your learning, get married.  That’s when things get really sticky. Not only do you have your crap to deal with, your spouse has their own crap.  Add a step child to the mix and voila! A hodgepodge of brokenness and difficult emotions. That’s a lot of crap, if you think about it.  And we’re all wading around in it….

So what is this lesson?   I always try to please people. I’ve done it my entire life.  Normally I squash my feelings, swallow them to not let on that I am hurt for fear of making the other person uncomfortable. Now, if I was learning how to feel on my own, this wouldn’t be nearly as hard.  Throw marriage in the mix and it makes it like a powder keg.  One of these days, things will build up enough to where something is bound to explode.  Could be an argument, could be a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of trying to keep everyone happy, it could simply be a good cry.

This week this whole thing really came to a head.  When you have 3 people living in the same house with their own baggage, problems and quirks, it makes things interesting. God knew what he was doing when I wasn’t blessed with children. While I would have been a great parent, I would have been bitter, tired and who knows what else.

Thankfully, He brought a very special woman into my life and that’s LJ, my amazing therapist.  I am thankful I stumbled upon her name as she has helped gently guide me over the course of the last few months.  Her lessons of self compassion and gentle reminders about taking time to take care of myself are life changing.  I am thankful we had an appointment yesterday to help me work though the powder keg that was building up. Not that I handled it all that well when I got home, at least I had the confidence to stand up for myself, express what I was feeling  and refuse to feel guilty for how I feel.

I’m a perfectionist. I make mistakes and try to learn for the next time. I replay events over and over in my head to see what I could have done differently to keep this from happening, because it’s obviously all my fault this happened and then suppress how I really feel. I beat myself up because I should have done better which leads to the “I’m not good enough, why would anyone love me, I need to behave because I won’t find anyone else to love me because I’m so horrible” speech.

Miraculously it’s different this morning.  I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.  I’m replaying events from last night, only to learn how I could express myself better, not to beat myself up because this is uncharted territory for me.  I’m angry, hurt, scared and disappointed and I don’t feel guilty for that at all. Most importantly, I’m allowing myself to feel these negative emotions for a change to let myself process and heal. That’s pretty big for me. HUGE really…

I’ve come a long way and have a long way to go.  It’s hard as Hell to make these changes, most especially to feel and and be ok with it. The change is worth it. I’m confident with the tools I learn with LJ and the other resources at my disposal I’ll get there eventually. It’ll take time, support from friends and family and lots and lots of self-compassion. Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me….  😉